and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
