So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
