I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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