No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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