it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
where are you?
Hypothermia
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
