I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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