if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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