Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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