Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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