I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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