My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
