i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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