3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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