three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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