I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
