im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
bring money and cleavage
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
