So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
