So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
