Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
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