dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
