i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
