I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
