I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
