they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We left the knife in your bed.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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