Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
