i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
