just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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