I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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