I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
