Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
