I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
