life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I died a long time ago.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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