Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
