As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
