all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
