I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
