Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
