I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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