is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
