life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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