I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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