apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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