How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
