I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Randomize
