Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
smell my finger.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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