her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
pray to the hookup gods
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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