Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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