This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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