Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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