watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
