If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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