if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I fill condoms, not promises.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
