He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
