God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
